What’s a gay guy’s favorite news station? The BBC.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone* JUDGE: he’s got a point

Why do women have short feet? So they can stand closer to the sink

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Come on Fred I’ll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me let them come and get me!

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year!

[interview] So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician? Superman: Are you being serious right now?

A joke is like a frog… … you understand it better after you dissect it, but then the frog is dead.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long! Her: We’ve never met. Me: That long huh?