What has two asses and can kill you? An assassin

TIL It is common for staff and surgeons to laugh hysterically during separation surgery to conjoined twins. Well it is side-splitting.

How to pick up a girl in a club: 1. Stare at her 2. Walk up to her 3. Shout stuff

How many rappers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two!…….pac. ^(*It’s a lot better spoken than written.*)

Why do french people love eating snails? Because they hate fast food

If the State of the Union is really “the best it’s ever been” Why do we “need” dozens of new government programs to fix it!

Why does snoop dog need an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle….

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!! ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.