Politicians are like diapers… They’re almost exclusively white

Horses are so negative in meetings…. They are such neigh-sayers.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Somebody messed up my small weighing scale. I was like 0MG!

So most foot longs at Subway are 7$ not 5$. I’m not mad that it’s more money. I’m just mad that I sing their tunes of false advertisement

Oh you graduated from DeVry too?! Which month were you?

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but getting them in there is a bitch!

What’s best about a sixteen year old girl? Her fourteen year old best friend.