*Runs a bath Me: ok, jump in 3: it’s too hot *Adds cold water Me: Ok, get in 3: it’s too cold Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Did you hear Trump announce he’s doing one more season of Apprentice? Winner gets to be V.P.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

You send yourself a message through time. “Invest in google” it says. You don’t have money in the past either. Nothing Changes

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

In German, the imperative is formed by opening your mouth and speaking German.

“Hello! You have a nice dog. Opiates are bad. Beautiful day today. My parents talk to pixies. Bye!” – Polite home-schooled kid I met today.

It’s okay to joke about Jesus… He died for our zings.

I just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle. God I love her optimism.