Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody.. *gestures at wife* told me this knife fight started at.. *sees everyone holding guns* FANtastic, Ellen

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley… one was a-salted

“Don’t touch the floor. The floor is the lava” Pompeii, 79 AD

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had long since succumbed to Stockholm syndrome and was actively engaging with their captors.

I recently bought some shoes from my drug dealer… I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

If you want to hide something from me, put it on my voicemail.

You should never yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater The gunman will shoot when he’s ready, it isn’t polite to rush him

Abortion is a tough issue for me. On one hand I love killing babies but on the other I don’t want to give women rights.

I finally admitted to my girlfriend, “I think I struggle with gender issues… …because whenever I see you girl, I realize I wanna be inside a woman’s body.”

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush