what do a sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? they are both fucking close to water

I love collective nouns: a pod of dolphins, a mob of kangaroos, a Gosselin of douches.

What’s the similarity between my dad and a magician. They both like sawing people in half for fun

Life is like a box of chocolates It really sucks if you have diabetes

It’s not funny when a First Lady runs for President. It’s Hillary-ous.

“How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?” Says a nation that hasn’t gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

What did tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance? “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance!”

If you don’t react when the Dr. hits your knee with the mallet, the Hippocratic Oath says he has to kill you with a shotgun right then.

At first I was angry… …when all my friends began collecting stamps after I started. But then I remembered: imitation is the sincerest form of philately.

When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.