Man down! Send in back up! *wife comes rushing in the room* “What happened?!” *i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Who is the only person able to knock out Ronda Rousey? Bill Cosby

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!

So I asked my friend what ADHD was… He told me “It’s was like a better quality version of.”

if you watch cinderella backwards its about a girl who finds her place in society.

My favorite clean joke Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field!!!!!

*phone rings* Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!” Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.” Wife: “….”

“My goodness, you’ve grown a foot since I last saw you…” …said the doctor in Chernobyl.

There are only a few people I can say “You’re one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.