What do Asgardians use to keep food hot? A Thormos.

Why did the semen cross the road? Why did the seman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today..

Why are cigars unhealthier than cigarettes? Because they’re fatter.

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.

If you’re American walking into the bathroom and you’re American walking out of the bathroon, what’re you in the bathroom? European

Is your refrigerator running? Because refrigerator obesity is on the rise.

I don’t think it’s very professional for my psychologist to say “holy shit!” twice during my hour.

I used to be a senile UPS worker Shit I messed up the delivery

I don’t like vacuums. They suck.

Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.