I once tried to be a cat… It didn’t go pur-fectly, but it went well… ( )

My one night stand said I’m a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the jungle? He got so excited, he threw up his arms!

I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family

How to insult a nerd “Is rhat an Apple Watch?”

I’m all set for Friday night: got my mac ‘n cheese dinner, 40 oz., ‘Steel Magnolias’ DVD, Twitter friends and tears.

Told this girl to text me when she got home … I think she’s homeless

My girlfriend has the hottest ass in the world. Me

As I was about 3/4 of the way through the Fallout 4 campaign, I began to notice something strange… .

“I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you.” “That’s so sweet.” “Not particularly. It was daytime.”