What’s your dad getting for Christmas? Bald and fat.

Every mirror is a vanity mirror.

Did you hear about the man who had sex with a parrot? He got chirpes, and the bad news is…it’s untweetable.

“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”

Hey, man. Can I get a cold one? “Sorry sir, the morgue is closed after 6.”

The bartender says we don’t serve time travelers 2 Time Travelers walk into a bar

My old math teacher used to dress pretty casually. So one day, when I walked into class they were all dressed up, suit, tie, etc. I strolled up to them and asked, “What’s the equation?”

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything..

Why do mermaids wear seashells for a bra? Because “B” shells would be too small!

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating. I just can’t be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.