why you shouldnt drink around gays because you may wake up with an empty wallet and a sore ass

Did you hear about the kindergartener with a bad knee? He needed a kid knee transplant.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word “cunt.” I suppose she has a point, I really should make an effort to learn her mother’s real name.

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

I applied for a position as a stenographer, but I was disqualified when the blood test came back. Turns out I’m Type-O Plentiful.

It’s so hot outside… I’m sweating like a poodle at Michael Vicks house.

[pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Curiosity killed the cat… Why the hell was she on Mars?