Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.

“Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years.”

Why did Helen Keller’s dog kill itself? You would too if your name was “ARGHAGHRRAH!”

Why do Eskimos wash in Tide? Because it’s too cold to wash out Tide

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked.

Why is Princess Peach named after a fruit and Princess Daisy named after a flower? Because wanting to sound good is their OBJECTion

Laundry Day Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt. Him: Babe, I can explain! Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

How many potatoes does it take to kill the Irish? None.

I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump.. because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens.

Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died? He just needed a little bit of Clojure.