I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on *covers phone* MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

I like my sex the way I like my tweets. Forced and meaningless.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!

Took and Ambien and a Viagra at the same time again. Im finding it hard to sleep.

The crazy thing about insurance is that the best case scenario is you’ve wasted a bunch of money.

Q: How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful? A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass

An Indian can do anything for sex Even marriage

What’s a Henway? Oh, you know. About 5 pounds. I’ll show myself the door now.

I might not be the “best” father in the world, but I’m also bad with money & know how to beat a polygraph.