Damn girl are you a pet rock? Because I want you in my butt.

Customer: Waiter, theres a button in my salad… Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.

[courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]

Did you hear about that pirate movie? It’s rated “Arrrrrrrr!”

What do you call a Syrian sex toy? A blowup doll

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

So Zayn quit the band? His life is obviously taking on a new direction…

My doctor says i have that “Hannah Montana” illness He said it was a Miley Virus

If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons