Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym? Because you already know she’ll work out.

Nobody told Ahmed about the clock change so he blew himself up in the garage.

ELI5: If both my parents have huge dicks, does that mean I will be genetically guaranteed to have a huge dick when I grow up?

What did Tennessee? …the same thing Arkansas

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

[wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

How do you ask an Uber driver if he drives for Lyft, too? Do you even Lyft bro? (I’ll see myself out)

So I went to ask about some yoga classes in my neighbourhood as it’s my first time. The instructor asked me if I was flexible… … I said “I can’t do Tuesdays.”