Splinters are woods way of sexual assault They can go deep inside you, and the bigger they are, the more it hurts.

How do you get a Jewish girls number? Check her wrists.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: Dentist #5 is a real asshole.

What did the left butt cheek say to the right? If we stick together we can stop this shit.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad COW: What’s that mean? MAN: Uh- COW: I’m fat? MAN: … You’re a cow? PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Go piss on a friend. They may have been stung by a jellyfish & are too embarrassed to ask for help. You’ll be a hero.

I just watched Discovery’s “How It’s Made” and, honestly, I’m never eating another urinal cake again.

Why did the Moon break up with Earth? The Moon said they were slowly drifting apart.

What do you call a musician’s erection? A tromboner.