[son at dinner] “a boy at school sells fireworks for $2” [to son and wife next day at breakfast] so, we’ll charge $1.75 and split it 3 ways

My biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is how the movie always just assumes you know which one is which.

What is the difference between your wife and your job? After ten years your job still sucks

Why did everyone hate the shoe company? It had no soul.

Another joke thread…What’s your best: I’m as/so angry ________ (or variant) Here’s mine: I’m more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out birthday candles.

Get off your high horse. Send your high horse to rehab. Keep an eye out to make sure your horse isn’t getting high again.

What is a modern name for a store that specializes in the sale of pornography? A junk shop.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.” *two steaks giggle* “Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye* HE STARTED IT