(Tell this to your professional friends or relatives) Your must be a fish… because you’ve got lots of SCALES!! YEEEEEEYAAAAAA Edit: (skills/scales?) get it?

What can’t I find on the internet? My keys

What do you call ice cream that robs a bank? Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Dallas? They woke him up.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”. Especially since his name is Steve.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham? WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

Why do women love Satan? He’s down to Earth.

How is the RNC going to wash themselves of the reputation Trump has given them? Lather, Reince, repeat.

My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta It was worth every penne

How many sound guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, two… One, two.