Why did the Romans build straight roads ? So their soldiers didn’t go around the bend !

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t use their turn signal and Hitler? You know Hitler will turn Reich.

If life gives you lemons… Make lemonade. If life gives you melons… You might be dyslexic

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field.

is this Sara? hi, this is Tom from HS. my god its been years! Anyway, im calling because u changed your HBO Go password & I need the new one

I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field!

Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

I want my money back, these suppositories taste like shit.

Whats the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? John Wayne stopped killing Indians