“Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country.” -His 3rd wife

Wrong hole! It’s too tight! -me putting on my watch, you pervs

After years of hard work and dedication, I can finally say that I have that sexy body I’ve always wanted. It’s in my freezer.

I’m extending the weekend one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you dress slutty on wed.

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped from prison? The police reported a small medium at large.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Any jokes about failed startups?

Today I watched a donkey look both ways before crossing the street… … he was a smart ass.

What’s the worst thing a girl can hear when she’s giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? “I’m not Willie Nelson…”

I watched a documentary on how ships are held together It was riveting.