Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road. A cop pulls him over and asks “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “No, but I know where I am.”

Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”

A great high-intensity workout is maintaining a neutral expression when someone tells you about a cool place to hear electronic music.

How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses? Instagran

2 Beers = 1 Tweet 5 Beers = 3 Tweets 9 Beers = 7 Tweets 12 Beers = 12 Tweets 24 Teers = 30 Beets

Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one “Just kill me already!!!”

Max has 40 cookies, and decides to eat 34 of them. What does Max have now? Diabetes.

My Dad was the town drunk, … and we lived in Chicago.

I demand a binary world. Everything should be black and white. Or not.

What was the fisherman’s favorite art style reelism