Heading to Chinatown tomorrow just to hear the people there say the word “election” all day.

Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.

The lords army. Chad: My brother, why don’t you join the lords army? Bob: I’m already their. Chad: I don’t see you on Sundays… Bob: I’m in the secret service.

Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I’ll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.

Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno… I got a bad feeling.

A horse walks into a bar and orders an N.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over] me: Yes

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

John Goodman descends from the sky on his hang glider, scooping stray cats into his mouth like a pelican.