What food greatly diminishes a women’s sex drive? Wedding cake

Lizzie Borden had a couple of really good lifehacks.

My girlfriend said to me “as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you” and I said “let’s make one thing absolutely clear…” “My mother was never a young boy.” Tim Vine

Two fish in a tank.. The one fish looks at the other and says ”How do you drive this thing?”

i’ve been doing home repairs. since i started using black caulk, i haven’t gone back.

The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behaviour

Sorry I missed your facebook event, I was super busy not considering you a friend.

Weight discrimination and fat-shaming are a real problem in our society. Do you know what the worst source of fat-shaming is? A mirror.

Why can’t Jim’s make sandwiches? Cause it was at my grannies, isn’t it!!!

Why was being a soprano a requirement to becoming a pirate? It made it easier to deal with high C’s