What do you call a murder committed by a gay person? *homo*cide 😉

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

What’s the speed limit for sex? Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.

If you enjoy sitting around and doing nothing, I’m your girl.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

If a stripper got “$20” tattooed on each asscheek, she could bend over & say “Hindsight’s $20/$20!” …What a money maker!

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure PHONE: *unskippable ad plays* NURSE: he’s dyin SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

I walked up to a guy in the gym. I said, “How do you use this piece of equipment?” “It’s pretty simple,” he replied, “Just push the button and it dries your hands…”

– How much for the mobile tampon? – Ma’am? – It’s a bit big. – Ma’am, it’s a lamb. – Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?