Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.

My girlfriend is a bit like water.. She’s H2O without the 2.

Why are lemons yellow? They don’t know it either – that’s why they are so sour

Who would win a fight between Lemmy and God? Trick question. Lemmy is God *The world lost a great musician today

*watching an old Lassie show Me: How come you can’t do those things? Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

A mom walks in on her daughter getting it on on the couch with a boy. “Well, I never!” the mother huffed. “But mom,” the daughter protested. “You must have!”

In the old days, folks used to say “tisk, tisk” to shame others Now social media connects us to millions, and allows us to multi-tisk.

A human cannonball for the circus retired after 35 years of service. When asked if the man would be replaced, the owner of the circus said, “No, only because it’s hard to find a man of that caliber.”