*eats one piece of lettuce* checks for abs

What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtin

if at the end of every year you find yourself posting on social media how “this year sucked,” it’s time to examine the common denominator

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut the f@#K-up! but the parrot was cool though!

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbians. Apparently “in HD” wasn’t the right answer.

What kind of cigarettes do California kids smoke? Yours.

I hate it when I’m peeing in a public restroom & some motherfucker tries to rob me & I have to fight him while holding my dick.

If you are over 40, it’s no longer called masturbation. It’s called a system check.

“It’s the holidays” *eats a pizza* “It’s the holidays” *eats 3 cheeseburgers* “It’s the holidays” *eats my food, your food & a small baby*

I love you dude, but im not “In Prison” with you.