When birds fly in a ‘V’ formation, one arm of the V is usually longer than the other. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

if you stabbed me i would probably bleed pizza sauce.

If you woke up in the woods with a condom in your ass and no recollection of the night before, would you report it? No? Wanna go camping?

This PS4 Pirate Simulator game is rubbish! Bringing your ship into harbour is a nightmare! I guess it’s just a bad port.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

What do you call a mouse named Bob who’s having an existential crisis? Bob.

So they say rubbing the Buddha statue’s belly gives you good luck… …imagine if you sucked his dick.

What does the DJ do when he spills acid? He drops the base!

My boss incinerated that I use words incorrectly, applied that I was stupid & told me to watch my tardiness. I’m not even retarded.