Chuck Norris *hates* Raymond.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards: “Thank You” Get well “soon” “Congratulations” on the “baby”

What does Michael Jackson and j.c. penny have in common? Little boys pants half off.

I’ve never seen a dead body but I did once watch a girl get proposed to in an Applebee’s

Jared Fogel is teaching a music class in prison Today’s lesson is fingering A minor

Santa accidentally ran over a man. The poor fellow was sleigh-n.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Knock, knock. Who’s there?

I thought I could have sex with this Eskimo woman… … But she wasn’t that Inuit.

Sometimes, I think I’m the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time. Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.