Doctor: “I’m sorry…. Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”

Harassment Teacher: Frame a sentence using the word ‘Harassment’. . . . Johnny: I was in love with a girl and Her Ass Meant a lot to me…….

“Hello, 912” wait did u say 912? “yup” I meant to dial 911 “happens all the time” lol I’m such a goof “haha right?” my neighbor got stabbed

I want to write a book called “Variably Orgasming Man” So people ask me how’s “Variably Orgasming Man” coming?

Really Smooth. I lied told my dad that school was canceled. He said,” lets go see a movie.” We got in the car and he dropped me off at school.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

I’ve started a charity for donating horchata-flavored espressos to deaf Americans in Thailand. It’s called the “ASL Rice Phuket Allonge”

What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis? Daeshcams

A pirate walks into a bar with paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “Hey, do you realize you have paper towel on your head?” The pirate replies, “Arrrg, I have a bounty on my head.”

Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, “dad was a good parent…mom was a good parent…the problem is me, I’m just a shithead.”