Today I heard a critical speech about masturbation It was very touching, to say the least

What do bullets and I have in common? We don’t miss Harambe.

[at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying

What are the 2 most important holes in the female body? No, you f**king pervert. It’s her nostrils. How else could she breathe while giving you a blowjob?

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer. Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer. 5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

They released a new study on marriage It’s the number one cause of divorce

Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they’re in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

wife: You’re home early me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I dunno, but you should see that son of a bitch hang dry wall.