What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I’ve never had a lentil on my face

Have you ever met a vegan that does crossfit? Oh you’d know if you had.

Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer, because I’ve seen her google my name. I’m certain I saw it on my telescope last night.

You know at first, I didn’t like the mold I found on my skin. But then it started to grow on me.

What do you call a deep-sea diving dog? Scuba – Doo!

CW: I think you’re two-faced Me: Why don’t you say that to my face CW: I just did! Me: No. My other face.

My favorite part of Avatar was when Queen Amidala defeated the Klingons by helping Harry Potter & Legolas destroy the White Witch’s ring?

What do Russians call their sexual partners? Cumrades

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much? Light blue