[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] “They said no I couldn’t have any money” Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

what type of music does a balloon hate? Pop music

Friends are like snowflakes If you pee on them, they disappear.

Cashier: Need to see some ID Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey? Cashier: Yup Me: Ok, here you go then

The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

The #1 Killer of cats aged 14+ is feline AIDS. However, the #1 Killer of people aged 60+ is…. Hearing AIDS.

I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation. Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

I want to make an alligator joke… But I’m afraid I’ll get carried away.

Have you ever heard about that joke you can’t tell to gay people?