Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card?? Me: Beats me *pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed

What is a proper greeting when you’re introduced to Christina Hendricks? Nice to meet you both.

[sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i’m leaving CAPTAIN: i’m staying CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

LPT: Be thorough with everything you do and you’ll struggle not to succeed!

How do three gay guys sit on a stool? Flip it upside down.

If your idea of a nightcap is passing out drunk on the toilet with a fifth in your hand, we could probably hang out.

What is the microbe’s favorite country singer? (Original) Amoeba Mcentire

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write “do not eat” on dry silica packets

NOBAMA I’ve been seeing a lot of these “NOBAMA” stickers recently and I find that I have to agree. I hate the crimson tide too.