To a necrophiliac, what is the only thing better than a human-sized refrigerator? A human-sized microwave.

“You take pills because you’re crazy” “No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Who do you pat with encouragement when they fail to work? A Remote control

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that’s hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

I’m so horny… ..even the crack of dawn looks good.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am. I’m not that much of a mourning person.

Three blondes walk into a bar You would have thought that one of them would see it.

How are America and McDonald’s similar? They are both run by red-headed clowns.

*thinks happy thoughts* *throws pixie dust in your eyes* *flies off with all your money*