When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Huz and kids want to go to waffle house for breakfast but I didn’t even remember to pack our bullet proof vests.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

A joke I made up when I was high: Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face? Because they’re always footing the bill.

Why was the old Jewish woman afraid her chauffeur got her pregnant? Because they schlepped together.

Sadly, the lifeguard couldn’t save the hippie from drowning He was too far out

Why aren’t there any B batteries? Because people might think you have a stutter.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

It’s been a tough year for gluten farmers.

Its terrible how so few black people get nominated for an Oscar It’s so sad they’re not as talented as white people.