I taught my parents something today… …I guess they learned from their mistake

Abortion – it really brings out the child in you. Anyone got any similar puns? Also: – 9/11 jokes are just plane rude.

the chipotle guy who never charges me extra for guacamole even though there’s a big G on the foil. what are we?

Who invented cereals? Chris P.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

I had reconstructive bone surgery It wasn’t Humerus

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Awful chat-up line: “Did your mother have zika virus?” Because I like a little head

How do you help a sick ghost feel better? Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!

Sarah McLachlan should do a commercial but instead of homeless pets in cages, people in cubicles.