A guy walks into the doctors office… …and says I’m having trouble making friends you fucking prick

My dad doesn’t see why he should pay a mechanic to rotate his tires. He says they’re rotating the entire time he’s driving!

What did the jack say to the car? “Can I give you a lift?”

Why does repost always get to the top?… Most people reddit before

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

My wife told me her bra and boobs aren’t getting along… … they had a falling out. ^^^^^^^I’ll ^^^^^^^leave ^^^^^^^now…

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Ugh, I just spilled red wine all over the inside of my tummy.

*rises out of neighbor’s hot tub* I’d like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems…

Why does Superman have to wait until tomorrow to fight gang violence in LA? He can’t face the Crips tonight.