Why was the mathematician stressed out? He was in a dilemma.

Is there some organization that evaluates the quality of shea butter? Because if so, it could have Fifty Grades of Shea.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

My psychologist said that I am losing my mind, and I don’t agree. I’d say that my mind is losing me.

I went to a blind fortune teller the other day She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I’ll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she’s left

This guys car is stopped in the middle of the hwy with his flashers on. Probably thought of a really good tweet.

Must be tough for an honest Nigerian businessman to make a living.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? *She ran away from the ball.*