My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!” Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”

So my dog told me it was into BDSM So I tied it up and turned on the vacuum cleaner

What’s E.T. Stand for? Extra testicle

Why don’t Dallas Cowboy fans take their wives to the football games? ‘Cause they jump the fence and eat the grass.

Joe: $400? For ONE night? Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite. [outside] Joe: No rooms. Mary: None? Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

Two men walk into a bar… Two men walk into a bar. The first man says “I’ll have H2O”. The second man says ” I’ll have H2O too”. The second man dies.

I’m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I’m forgetting to do.

How do you stop your dog from humping your leg? You suck his dick. How can you tell your dogs gay? His dick tastes like shit.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes out for milk and doesn’t comeback.

A terrorist Walks into a Pet store A terrorist walks into a pet store and shouts “Run away you only have 10 seconds before I blow this place up!” “You Bastard!” The Turtle says