What’s Brown and Sticky? A stick!

What concert can you see for 45 cents? 50 cent, featuring Nickleback.

M’eal *tips waiter*

I saw a sign today that said “tailor-made sandwiches” What the hell does a tailor know about making sandwiches?

*eats way too much delicious space pudding* Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again? Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater ? ‘Claws.’

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today… The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

The day I decided I wanted to do drugs Was the day I saw your crack