What did the caterpillar say to the cocoon after he broke out? Moth.

“Dad. Dad. DAD! Please just come home. You promised us you’d stop after Volume 46.” – Creator of NOW! That’s What I Call Music’s children

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end… But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

If only women knew that being happy with themselves is the most attractive quality they can ever offer.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I have a joke about unemployed people But it won’t work.

My mom laughed at me when I told her I was making a car out of spaghetti… you should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

What’s long and hard on a black guy? First grade.

“Awww. There there.” *pats you on the face. Hard