How do you know when a singer is at the door? First they don’t know when to come in, and then they can’t find the key.

Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

I know lawyers aren’t people. They stand in court all day and say “I object”

What is the linguistic description of sentences like ‘ho ho ho’ and ‘merry Christmas’? They are both santa clauses.

Most people go talk to a therapist, family, or friends to get shit off their chest… …I however just go take a shower.

If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”

Do you know what a gay snake sounds like? Tthhhhhhh

I’m going as president Obama for Halloween this year. I’ll tell you you’re getting different candy, but it will be the same candy from last year.

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica? It’s dreadful

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.