98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child’s melodramatic bullshit.

Why was the manipulative ghost so unsuccessful? People could see right through him.

Who is the richest painter? Manet.

If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another how many dollars would you have? One dollar. You don’t know your arithmetic. You don’t know my father !

[picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

I’m pretty gullible Or at least what they tell me

Dude: You got a light? Me: Sure. *hand him a flashlight* Dude: I mean for my cigarette. Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Biologist screws up: Mutant killer virus Physicist screws up: Deadly black hole Geologist screws up: Rock on table is now rock on floor

How do you get a drummer off of your porch? pay for the pizza.

Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off. (Also sorry)