Jimmy how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more mom. It’s empty.

Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That’s it. That’s the joke.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread? The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Did U hear they’re remaking ‘Dirty Dancing’ & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back… Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Election There was an election in New York.

Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems? Because they have trouble taking a Wii.

Why did the plant cross the road? Cus it was being stalked!

My boss told me to have a good day… So I went home.