My wife and I lost 150lbs combined! So if you see our twins wandering around please let us know!

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because the cops are just gonna beat the walls for being black.

Why did a seal go to the bar? …. Because he didn’t want to go clubbing.

Some people should put professional victim on their resume

Q: What’s the best way to keep milk from turning sour? A: Leave it in the cow.

What does my cat and Donald Trump have in common? Neither of them pay taxes

*I reach for the thermostat* *my dad runs in barking* *neighbor’s dad starts barking* *within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Why did the thoroughbred break up with the wild horse? Because she was looking for a stable relationship.

I’m an expert at killing flies I’m a member of the SWAT team

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.