What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles? Dead in a tunnel.

What’s the quickest way to get to the airport? Terminal Velocity. [:D](http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true)

Did you hear that Jesus starred in a porn? it was called “the second cumming”

True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.

[I wake up next to a fishing net full of salmon] But that means… [Cut to fisherman at sea, with my dreamcatcher full of howling goblins]

What does a cell that’s full of shit do? Lyse.

I always hoped my kids wouldn’t have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back….

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

It doesn’t matter if it’s fight club or book club or some other kind of club, I guarantee I don’t want to talk about it.

I learned how to train my cat to go woof All it takes is petrol and matches. *wooooooof*