Why do pterodactyls use the bathroom so quietly? Because their p is quiet.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg] Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

Jazz is in my blood You could say I’ve got deep vein trombonses.

Which real-life dictator was the most fun? Napoleon BonaPARTAY!!!

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet? Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes? Wife: What? Me: What? Communication is hard

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action. I dead of winter into action.

What do you call a dog with no legs? You don’t call him anything because he won’t come running anyhow.

How are having sex in a canoe and American beer alike? They’re both fuckin’ close to water