I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Boxed In There was a young girl from Peru Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, “If they pay to get in, They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”

Can fish get high on seaweed?

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no

Angry feminist told me that men are animals, men are pigs! So I told her that women are equal to men.

what do you call the people who were protecting a van? the vanguard

People need to realize that racism is a complicated is a complicated issue It isn’t just black and white

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The pinata is unscathed.

At school: Slutty girl: ugh my throat really hurts. Me: I bet your knees do too. Her: what Me: what