When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers* Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Complaints via email or texts should be called “Read Whine”

Why aren’t there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there is a target on every corner.

What’s the world’s sexiest phone number extension? 6969

To the first person who took their picture with their phone at the bathroom mirror, you are a pioneer. We salute you.

So I walked into a pub with some of the lads… Oh wait hang on I don’t have a social life.

I baked my girlfriend something for Valentine’s Day It was a creampie

My Wife Saw Me Licking A Yogurt Lid And Said “Why Don’t You Lick Me Like That?” “Because Yogurt Tastes Better” The Divorce Is Next Tuesday