One reason my boyfriend likes The Big Bang Theory so much is that he says the title always reminds him of when we f**k.

What’s the best way for an American to lose weight? Gamble in British currency.

I was born in California.” “Which part?” “All of me.”

My kitchen timer broke..good thing I wasn’t counting on it.

Barista: name? Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”] Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

What does Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common? They are both made of plastic and get turned on by children!

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job! “REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he ‘kneaded’ a shit.

What did the police officer say to Tom Brady during a routine traffic stop? Your tires are low.

Wet T-shirt contestant asks former contest winner: Any pointers?